Biella\u2019s did brisk business on Thursday nights, and Gia could see people all around them celebrating in some way or another. \u00a0She had nothing to celebrate at the moment, but she hoped she\u2019d be back here in the near future, celebrating something with the man who sat across from her.<\/p>\n
She had something important to tell him, and after she told him, she was afraid she wouldn’t see him again, depending on how he took the news.<\/p>\n
She\u2019d waited until they were finished eating, and had cups of hot coffee in front of them, before saying anything. She had no idea how to do this. After all this time, she hadn’t found a way to share this very personal part of herself with the people who had come and gone in her life.<\/p>\n
As Jake took a sip of his coffee she said quietly, \u201cI have Dissociative Identity Disorder.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked up from his plate with a blank look on his face and said, \u201cI have no idea what that is.\u201d<\/p>\n
Gia sighed and wondered if it was too soon. She didn\u2019t usually disclose these things right off the bat, but she liked Jake and they\u2019d been dating for several weeks now, and she knew it was time to tell him. She had to tell him, before he saw it first-hand. Maybe he would walk, but maybe he wouldn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Gia spent most of her time creating and making invitations out of her home. \u00a0She\u2019d gotten quite popular and had progressed to wedding invitations. \u00a0Jake happened to be the brother of one of the brides who purchased invitations from her. It had been a good match, but the bride didn\u2019t know her secret. \u00a0If she had, she might never have set Gia up with her brother.<\/p>\n
Gia took a deep breath, \u201cDissociative Identity Disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over a person’s behavior.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jake looked at her again and then laughed, \u201c Is that your clinical diagnosis Doctor? You’re joking right? I mean sometimes I don\u2019t feel like myself either, especially after a night of drinking.\u201d<\/p>\n
She shook her head. \u00a0This was their fifth date, and she knew he was hoping to bring her back to his house for the night but she couldn\u2019t do that knowing they had this secret between them. \u00a0Even so, Gia would have said no to spending the night because she had a 12 year old daughter at home, but things were working out so well that she felt she had to tell him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy are you telling me this?\u201d he asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause I like you and I feel you have a right to know,\u201d she answered, looking around the restaurant, making sure they weren\u2019t being overheard. Everyone seemed to be engrossed in their own dinners, but you never knew who might be listening.<\/p>\n
He pulled his napkin from his lap, and wiped his mouth. \u201cOkay, then tell me about it, do you turn into a man or something?\u201d he said, still thinking he was being funny.<\/p>\n
Gia rolled her eyes, he wasn\u2019t taking this seriously. \u00a0Over the years, she\u2019d tried to put herself in other people\u2019s shoes when she told them this news. \u00a0If the situation were reversed, she’d probably think it was a joke at first too. However it still hurt when someone laughed about it, even if they didn’t intend to be mean.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, but I have two alters, that\u2019s what they’re called\u2026..\u201d but before she could finish the sentence Jake started to get up from the table.<\/p>\n
Startled she said, \u201cI know this is crazy, but please hear me out.\u201d<\/p>\n
It must have been the desperation in her voice because his demeanor changed and in all seriousness said, \u201cI\u2019m not leaving, but if you’re serious, then I figured I would get the check so we could talk more about this in private. I can\u2019t make any promises, other than to listen, since I\u2019m not even sure I believe in this kind of thing, but I want to hear more.\u201d<\/p>\n
Jake left the table to talk to the waitress, and she sighed with relief, that was all she asked. That he listen to what she had to say.<\/p>\n
The restaurant was nice but he was right, it wasn\u2019t very private. \u00a0She\u2019d never been to this place before. It was a quaint Italian Bistro that several others had raved about. She’d been told that if\u00a0Jake was taking her here, he must be serious about her.<\/p>\n
He paid the bill and they walked two blocks to a park bench in front of the water. The small man made\u00a0lake\u00a0was still, except for the occasional ripple or burble from the fish that inhabited it. \u00a0It was late September and quite chilly for this time of year, so she huddled into her sweater. \u00a0\u00a0She had hoped Jake would put his arm around her, but he didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
They\u2019d kissed some in her driveway the last few times they\u2019d gone out, but nothing had progressed passed that. \u00a0It was awkward with Lauren, her daughter, waiting upstairs to hear all about her date.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo tell me more about this Disorderly Identity thing,\u201d Jake said<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s Dissociative Identity Disorder and in laymen\u2019s terms it means multiple or split personalities and as I said, I have two other personalities, or alters as their called. Olivia and Shannon.\u201d<\/p>\n
She could count on one hand the number of people she\u2019d shared this with, but for some reason this one seemed more important than any others.<\/p>\n
He started to say something and she put up a hand to stop him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been in therapy for a long time and have not come to any conclusions as to what causes the disassociation, but I\u2019m working on it,\u201d she said somewhat defensively.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t understand. How you can be a mother to Lauren and be someone else at the same time?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
She continued as if he hadn\u2019t spoken, \u201cYou need to understand that both Olivia and Shannon, when they are around, love my daughter as if she is their own, and yes before you say it, she IS their own. They don\u2019t see themselves as her mother, but more of an aunt or godmother.\u201d<\/p>\n
She paused to let Jake think about that for a bit.<\/p>\n
Finally he said,\u201cSo you just change into someone else?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWell, sort of. It\u2019s called a transition or switching, and usually something triggers it, a memory, a smell, stress, or something unusual. There are times I\u2019m aware of what is going on, which is called co-consciousness.\u00a0I rarely get a say in anything when that happens, but that\u2019s how I know that Olivia and Shannon are taking good care of Lauren.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWait, you\u2019re like a passenger in a car? Is that what you\u2019re saying?\u201d he asked with skepticism showing plainly on his face.<\/p>\n
She nodded. \u201cThere are other times when I have no idea what has happened, and I wake up as if I\u2019ve been in a deep sleep. \u00a0Usually Lauren will tell me how much fun she had with Olivia, or that Shannon asked her to help come up with ideas for the book she\u2019s writing.\u201d<\/p>\n
It was those times she hated. She felt like she was abandoning Lauren every time that happened, and if she was honest, a bit left out. She felt she was missing some of the best moments of Lauren\u2019s life when she disappeared like that, but somehow Lauren was turning out okay. She didn\u2019t feel abandoned; she said she felt loved, by not just one parent, but three. Lauren had\u00a0had to grow up very fast. \u00a0There wasn\u2019t a lot Gia could do about that anyway, unless she wanted to give her up, and that wasn\u2019t going to happen.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ll like her. Lauren, I mean. If you want to meet her, that is.\u201d she said hesitantly.<\/p>\n
Gia prayed that he would want to continue seeing her, and meet Lauren. \u00a0Lauren was like no other child on earth. \u00a0Of course she would say that about her own child, but she really was an extraordinary child to have accepted all of this so gracefully and grown-up like. Lauren knew where she was tonight and she had wanted to hear all about their dates, but she hadn\u2019t expressed interest in meeting him just yet.<\/p>\n
The evening had turned even colder, so they stood up and headed to Jake\u2019s car. \u00a0A blue 1979 Ford Mustang that he took meticulous care of, and called his baby. They didn\u2019t say very much on the drive to her house. \u00a0She stared out the window at the houses they passed, hoping for a brief glimpse into other people\u2019s lives. She wondered what kind of messed up lives these people had, or did they live normal happy lives, free of any kind of mental illness. \u00a0She hoped the latter was true, as she wouldn\u2019t wish this on anyone.<\/p>\n
Jake pulled into her driveway, and leaned over to kiss her, which was a good sign, but she saw the curtain twitch upstairs and knew that Lauren was peeking out her bedroom window. \u00a0She gently pushed Jake away and told him she needed to get inside with her daughter, but she\u2019d hoped he would think about what she said and let her know if he was still interested.<\/p>\n
\u201cI really think I need to do some research on this. I\u2019m not saying I don\u2019t want to see you, but I need some time to process this, is that okay?\u201d he said.<\/p>\n
\u201cSure, I understand.\u201d \u00a0She replied, thinking she would probably never see him again. \u00a0She expected it every time she met someone new. \u00a0If she expected it, then it hurt a little bit less when it happened or so she thought. She\u2019d had her hopes dashed too many times not to expect it at this point.<\/p>\n
When she opened the door to step outside he said, \u201cCan\u2019t you take some kind of medication to keep this from happening?\u201d<\/p>\n
She sat back down and pulled the door closed again and said, \u201cI could, and I have, but I stopped my medication when I was pregnant with Lauren. I know that was a long time ago, and I could take them again, but they made me a zombie and that made it difficult to be a mother. \u00a0I\u2019d much rather have Olivia and Shannon taking care of her than no one.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took her hand. \u201cI know I\u2019ve never asked you this, but where is Lauren\u2019s father?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo longer in the picture, and that\u2019s all I\u2019m sharing for now. If you decide you want to stick around, then I\u2019ll share my story with you,\u201d \u00a0Gia replied.<\/p>\n
Jake shook his head, leaned over to kiss her, and then thought better of it. Dejected, she let herself out of the car and walked slowly up to the house.<\/p>\n
She let herself in and their cat, Moon, wound his way through her legs, almost tripping her as she took her shoes off. She climbed the stairs to the bedrooms as if weights were attached to her ankles. It was like this every time she shared this kind of information. Even though Jake said he wasn\u2019t leaving her, she felt rejected. \u00a0She figured it was only a matter of time before he broke up with her.<\/p>\n
She knew Lauren was waiting, even though the lights were off now and she was pretending to be asleep. \u201cI know you\u2019re awake Lauren, I saw you peeking out your bedroom window.\u201d<\/p>\n
She heard Lauren giggle from under the covers, and continued. \u201cYou know, if you want to spy on someone you need to do it with the lights out.\u201d Gia said reaching under the covers to tickle her.<\/p>\n
Lauren laughed, all the while squirming to get away. Gia loved it when Lauren laughed like that. \u00a0All too often Lauren behaved like an adult. \u00a0Gia wanted her to giggle and laugh like little girls were supposed to and she savored the sound of it.<\/p>\n
\u201cDid you tell him?\u201d she asked expectantly, as Gia sat on the edge of her bed and brushed her hair back from her face.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d Gia replied. Moon jumped onto the bed and made his way to Lauren’s lap. Gia scratched behind his ears as Lauren pulled him closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cHow did he take it?\u201d Lauren asked.<\/p>\n
Gia could hear the concern in Lauren\u2019s voice. She\u2019d had to say goodbye to too many people in her young life when they couldn\u2019t handle the situation, which was the reason why she didn’t want to meet Jake yet.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs well as could be expected, I guess. He needs time to think about it. He\u2019ll probably have to meet Olivia and Shannon so he can see that they\u2019re normal people. Well, as normal as we can be under the circumstances, but you should be asleep now, it\u2019s late and you have school tomorrow,\u201d Gia said.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s only 9:00, can I read for a bit?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThirty minutes, then lights out, okay?\u201d Gia responded.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay. \u00a0I love you mom, and I love Shannon and Olivia too. You know that don\u2019t you?\u201d Lauren asked.<\/p>\n
Gia hugged her tight, \u201cYes, I do, I\u2019m a lucky woman, \u00a0and I love you to the moon and back,\u201d Gia replied, thanking her lucky stars, like she did every night, for a daughter like Lauren.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Biella\u2019s did brisk business on Thursday nights, and Gia could see people all around them celebrating in some way or another. \u00a0She had nothing to celebrate at the moment, but she hoped she\u2019d be back here in the near future, … Continue reading