Who Killed Detective Sergeant Mike Manley? –Week 4
It was one of those grizzly October days autumn brings the Fraser Valley. Undeterred by the dreariness, Lucy Granger walked with a spring in her step that challenged the gloom of mid-afternoon. She was on her way to meet up with Josh Manley and go to the Manley’s home for Sunday Prime Rib feast, a perk that came with being Josh’s girl.
Lucy and Josh had been an item for five, since grade nine. Now they were more than an Item, they were business partners and recently became engaged. He was just as good looking as ever and she, more beautiful. Josh had no idea of his parentage because he was adopted by the Manelys as a newborn, but whoever they were, they must have been a handsome pair. Lucy knew her dad and saw photographs of her mom. Dad was a Canadian, but her mom was a stunning Thai woman, which accounted for her exotic Eurasian beauty. Josh and Lucy made quite a striking couple.
Lucy turned left off of Yale Rd. and continued walking down the side street on her way to meet Josh at Orphans Inc. Josh’s souped-up Volvo PV544, which he referred to as PeeVee, was parked in front of the old storefront where they had set up shop a few months ago. He was probably upstairs in the office waiting for her, she thought. Lucy used her key to unlock the door, looking admiringly at the sign mounted on the wall outside before entering.
ORPHANS INC.
Private Investigations
J. Manley. Z. Allenby
L .Granger M. Millen
After entering the reception area on the first floor and closing the door behind her, Lucy called out at the bottom of the stairs leading to the office, “Josh ? Josh, I’m here. Are you ready to go for dinner? We can always be little early and hang out with your mom. You know how she likes that.”
There was no response. All Lucy heard was the steady, rhythmic thumping of a tennis ball bouncing from wall to floor, again and again, thump, thump, then quiet as Josh caught the ball. Everyone at Orphans Inc. knew that sound. It meant Josh was either deep in thought, very disturbed about something, or both at the same time.
Lucy called out again as she made her way up the steps, “Josh, are you okay? Is everything all right?” There was still no reply as he continued throwing the ball and catching it. He did not even notice when she entered the upstairs office. It looked like Josh was in some kind of trance.
Now, Lucy was worried. She called his name once again, but more sharply, and this time she got through to him. Josh jumped at the sound of her voice, “Lucy, when did you get here? I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you at all. My mind was somewhere else.”
“I’ll say it was.” She came over to him, bent down, hugged him around the shoulders, and kissed him gently on the cheek. Josh turned his face toward her and kissed her lips softly, then went back to bouncing the tennis ball. “Thanks a bunch for the warm greeting. What’s wrong? What’s going on between those ears today?”
Lucy surveyed his desk as she spoke and could tell he was upset about something. The evidence was there to see for anyone who knew him. An empty large Tim Horton’s coffee container stood next to an empty box that must have held a half dozen doughnuts. Inside were traces of chocolate and cream filling from at least one Boston Cream, some icing sugar and jelly from a Raspberry Filled, and some glaze from a Honey Cruller. The evidence virtually shouted, “Josh is very upset about something.” The number of doughnuts he ate and the size of the coffee he drank was a measure of the size of the problem. This was obviously a big one.
“Okay, out with it Josh. What’s up?”
“It was a crazy day Lucy. You know I always go to visit my dad’s grave on Sunday morning, well, today something happened that really got to me.”
“What are you talking about? What could happen at a cemetery to affect you so much? It’s been six years since your father was killed.
“Look, it’s like this. I was on my way to the cemetery and picked up a small Double-Double at Tim’s as usual. I walked up the path to his grave site slowly. It’s been raining so much lately that patches of moss are growing on the pathway, and the stone is slippery; I didn’t want to slip and spill my coffee.”
Lucy perched herself on the edge of Josh’s desk and looked him right in the eye, “You and your Double-Doubles. Sometimes I think you have coffee running through your veins. All that caffeine and sugar isn’t any good for you know, not to mention the doughnuts. You must have eaten a half dozen today.”
“Lucy, this is no time for a lecture about my health, this is serious.”
“Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Go on with what happened this morning.”
“Apology accepted,” he said with a smile that he couldn’t quite suppress. “I was nearly ready to walk toward Dad’s grave when there was a clattering sound on the path behind me. A person wearing an overly large gray hoodie nearly knocked me over and almost slipped herself.”
“Hey, how did you know it was a she and not a he? Have you been meeting someone on the sly?” Lucy feigned jealousy, a wry smile on her lips.
“Stop with the humor already. This is serious. Like I said, this person almost slipped, but grabbed my arm to steady herself and leaned against me. That kind of gave her sex away if you know what I mean, and that’s how I knew it was a she, not a he.”
“Josh, I’m surprised at you, groping strange women in cemeteries.”
Josh was getting annoyed with Lucy’s chatter. She had a way of making light of serious topics, and he usually wasn’t bothered, but the remarks were getting to him today.
“Look, Lucy, I know why you get a little funny when you hear about death, or graves, or cemeteries, but you need to cut it out today. I’m trying to get through this story without freaking out.”
“All right Josh. I promise to control myself, go on.”
Josh continued, “She looked up at me to say thank you, or something, but when our eyes met, she pulled away like I was a leper. Then, the mystery woman went over toward a gravestone to the right of the path, and I went to the left, but I kept her in my peripheral vision all the time I stood at Dad’s grave. She knelt down at a grave, stayed for a few minutes, stood up and headed back down the path, but concealed her face. I don’t know if she caught me watching her, or she was just cautious.”
“The story is getting interesting, Josh, but hardly anything happened so far that could be upsetting.”
“Yes, I know, but wait until you hear the rest of it. I was curious about her reaction after she looked at me, so after mystery woman was out of sight, I went over to the gravestone where she had kneeled, and read the inscription on the marker. Here, Lucy, I copied it in my notebook. Read it.”
Justine “Jewel” Douglas Born August 23, 1957 – Died October 8, 1998 A victim of circumstance. Caught in the middle
“Okay, now read the inscription on the next page, the one on my father’s gravestone.”
DS Michael J. Manley Born August 23, 1940 Died October 8, 1998. He served his country and community with honor. MANTIENS LA DROIT
“Oh my God, Josh. That can’t be a coincidence. What did you do?”
“I went down the path as quickly as possible, fired up PeeVee, and tried to find her. I saw that gray hoodie walking on the sidewalk up ahead, so I slowed down, kept my distance and followed her right to the steps of St. Mary’s, and that’s when I got my second shock of the morning. It was Miss Christina.”
“And who exactly is the mysterious Miss Christina?”
“She was our nursery school teacher, Zack’s and mine. I knew it right away. When she removed her hoodie before entering the church, I saw the rose she has tattooed on the back of her neck.”
“Maybe that’s only a coincidence. Maybe there’s another girl with a rose tattoo on her neck in almost the same place.”
“Perhaps you’re right Lucy. I need to see the tattoos on her arms to be sure, one in particular. She has a ring of stars on one arm, but the tattoo on the other arm is one that no little kid could forget. It’s a ring of thorns, and there are droplets of blood where the point of each thorn appears to penetrate her skin.”
“She should be easy to spot Josh. I’ll keep an eye out for someone with tattoos like that.”
“That would be great Lucy, but there is more to the story. I left PeeVee parked near St Mary’s and continued to follow her. It was Late Morning Mass at St. Marys, so I went in and sat at the back of the church. I didn’t spot her immediately, but the tattoo gave her away when she lined up to take Communion. When Mass was over, I waited until she left, then followed on foot.”
“Josh, she already got a good look at your face. She could have noticed you and become suspicious.”
“Yes, yes, I know, but she didn’t. Anyway, I followed her to Reece Street and saw her enter a small, beige, stucco bungalow and noted the address. I walked back to where I parked PeeVee and came to the office to check my file covering the events related to Dad’s death. I found a clipping that mentioned a female who was killed in the crossfire between the bikers and the police. And you know what Lucy, that girl’s name was Justine “Jewel” Douglas.”
“Josh, that person you saw must be related to Justine what’s her name. You have got to find her. Maybe the mysterious Christina with the Rose Tattoo has some information that might lead us to your father’s killer.”
“That’s what I thought as soon as I read the inscription on Justine Douglas’ gravestone. They had the same birthday. That is just a coincidence, but they died on the same day, Dad in a firefight with a biker gang, and Justine in a crossfire. That’s no coincidence.”
“It looks like Orphans Inc. has a mystery to solve. We’ll all help you on this one Josh. Now let’s go to your house for dinner.”
“Lucy, don’t breathe a word of this to Mom, understood.”
“Of course Josh, not a word. Now let’s get going, I’m getting hungry, and I’ve grown to like the Manley Sunday dinner tradition. This mystery will be just as mysterious tomorrow.”
I’m not very good with critiquing, but I’ll try my best. I’ve read a couple of your writings. This and Lucy’s PSTD. I like your writing so far. It’s descriptive especially the part with the coffee and donuts. However, the dialogue could use some work. Some parts comes out awkward and doesn’t transition well. I had to read it a couple of times to get a feel for the characters.
For example, ‘The number of doughnuts he ate and the size of the coffee he drank was a measure of the size of the problem. This was obviously a big one.
“Okay, out with it Josh. What’s up?”
“It was a crazy day Lucy. “‘
I like what you did in describing Josh’s troubles with donuts and coffee and Lucy knew this, so she asked what’s wrong. With Josh, I think it would have been better to describe Josh’s facial expression when he spoke to Lucy. We know he’s troubled, but does he look her in the eye when she asked the question? Or is he fiddling with the ball in his hand and looking deep in thought when he said, “It was a crazy day.”
Also, the pacing in Josh’s dialogue about the mystery woman could use a bit of work.
You described her as wearing an overtly large hoodie which means she doesn’t want anyone to know who she is. That’s fine.
When the woman saw Josh’s face, she leapt away from Josh like a leper. Okay, she doesn’t like him or want to be anywhere near him. This is where it contradicts with the overtly large hoodie (conceal). He saw her face. For someone who’s trying to conceal themselves, wouldn’t they want to run away on the off chance that they could be recognized?
If I really didn’t want anyone to know who I was especially after bumping into someone I know, I would walk away and wait until that person leaves. I wouldn’t want to risk the chance of anyone finding out my identity.
If they didn’t bump into each other, but perhaps she had shown her tattoos accidently, like the one on her arm from rolling us a sleeve, then I think it’s more plausible for Josh to look at the gravestone and become suspicious about the person.
I hope I didn’t confuse you on this one. If you need me to clarify or discuss more about your writing, let me know.