Lesson 5: Gia

Biella’s did brisk business on Thursday nights, and Gia could see people all around them celebrating in some way or another.  She had nothing to celebrate at the moment, but she hoped she’d be back here in the near future, celebrating something with the man who sat across from her.

She had something important to tell him, and after she told him, she was afraid she wouldn’t see him again, depending on how he took the news.

She’d waited until they were finished eating, and had cups of hot coffee in front of them, before saying anything. She had no idea how to do this. After all this time, she hadn’t found a way to share this very personal part of herself with the people who had come and gone in her life.

As Jake took a sip of his coffee she said quietly, “I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

He looked up from his plate with a blank look on his face and said, “I have no idea what that is.”

Gia sighed and wondered if it was too soon. She didn’t usually disclose these things right off the bat, but she liked Jake and they’d been dating for several weeks now, and she knew it was time to tell him. She had to tell him, before he saw it first-hand. Maybe he would walk, but maybe he wouldn’t.

Gia spent most of her time creating and making invitations out of her home.  She’d gotten quite popular and had progressed to wedding invitations.  Jake happened to be the brother of one of the brides who purchased invitations from her. It had been a good match, but the bride didn’t know her secret.  If she had, she might never have set Gia up with her brother.

Gia took a deep breath, “Dissociative Identity Disorder is characterized by the presence of two or more distinct or split identities or personality states that continually have power over a person’s behavior.”

Jake looked at her again and then laughed, “ Is that your clinical diagnosis Doctor? You’re joking right? I mean sometimes I don’t feel like myself either, especially after a night of drinking.”

She shook her head.  This was their fifth date, and she knew he was hoping to bring her back to his house for the night but she couldn’t do that knowing they had this secret between them.  Even so, Gia would have said no to spending the night because she had a 12 year old daughter at home, but things were working out so well that she felt she had to tell him.

“Why are you telling me this?” he asked.

“Because I like you and I feel you have a right to know,” she answered, looking around the restaurant, making sure they weren’t being overheard. Everyone seemed to be engrossed in their own dinners, but you never knew who might be listening.

He pulled his napkin from his lap, and wiped his mouth. “Okay, then tell me about it, do you turn into a man or something?” he said, still thinking he was being funny.

Gia rolled her eyes, he wasn’t taking this seriously.  Over the years, she’d tried to put herself in other people’s shoes when she told them this news.  If the situation were reversed, she’d probably think it was a joke at first too. However it still hurt when someone laughed about it, even if they didn’t intend to be mean.

“No, but I have two alters, that’s what they’re called…..” but before she could finish the sentence Jake started to get up from the table.

Startled she said, “I know this is crazy, but please hear me out.”

It must have been the desperation in her voice because his demeanor changed and in all seriousness said, “I’m not leaving, but if you’re serious, then I figured I would get the check so we could talk more about this in private. I can’t make any promises, other than to listen, since I’m not even sure I believe in this kind of thing, but I want to hear more.”

Jake left the table to talk to the waitress, and she sighed with relief, that was all she asked. That he listen to what she had to say.

The restaurant was nice but he was right, it wasn’t very private.  She’d never been to this place before. It was a quaint Italian Bistro that several others had raved about. She’d been told that if Jake was taking her here, he must be serious about her.

He paid the bill and they walked two blocks to a park bench in front of the water. The small man made lake was still, except for the occasional ripple or burble from the fish that inhabited it.  It was late September and quite chilly for this time of year, so she huddled into her sweater.   She had hoped Jake would put his arm around her, but he didn’t.

They’d kissed some in her driveway the last few times they’d gone out, but nothing had progressed passed that.  It was awkward with Lauren, her daughter, waiting upstairs to hear all about her date.

“So tell me more about this Disorderly Identity thing,” Jake said

“It’s Dissociative Identity Disorder and in laymen’s terms it means multiple or split personalities and as I said, I have two other personalities, or alters as their called. Olivia and Shannon.”

She could count on one hand the number of people she’d shared this with, but for some reason this one seemed more important than any others.

He started to say something and she put up a hand to stop him.

“I’ve been in therapy for a long time and have not come to any conclusions as to what causes the disassociation, but I’m working on it,” she said somewhat defensively.

“I don’t understand. How you can be a mother to Lauren and be someone else at the same time?” he said.

She continued as if he hadn’t spoken, “You need to understand that both Olivia and Shannon, when they are around, love my daughter as if she is their own, and yes before you say it, she IS their own. They don’t see themselves as her mother, but more of an aunt or godmother.”

She paused to let Jake think about that for a bit.

Finally he said,“So you just change into someone else?”

“Well, sort of. It’s called a transition or switching, and usually something triggers it, a memory, a smell, stress, or something unusual. There are times I’m aware of what is going on, which is called co-consciousness. I rarely get a say in anything when that happens, but that’s how I know that Olivia and Shannon are taking good care of Lauren.”

“Wait, you’re like a passenger in a car? Is that what you’re saying?” he asked with skepticism showing plainly on his face.

She nodded. “There are other times when I have no idea what has happened, and I wake up as if I’ve been in a deep sleep.  Usually Lauren will tell me how much fun she had with Olivia, or that Shannon asked her to help come up with ideas for the book she’s writing.”

It was those times she hated. She felt like she was abandoning Lauren every time that happened, and if she was honest, a bit left out. She felt she was missing some of the best moments of Lauren’s life when she disappeared like that, but somehow Lauren was turning out okay. She didn’t feel abandoned; she said she felt loved, by not just one parent, but three. Lauren had had to grow up very fast.  There wasn’t a lot Gia could do about that anyway, unless she wanted to give her up, and that wasn’t going to happen.

“You’ll like her. Lauren, I mean. If you want to meet her, that is.” she said hesitantly.

Gia prayed that he would want to continue seeing her, and meet Lauren.  Lauren was like no other child on earth.  Of course she would say that about her own child, but she really was an extraordinary child to have accepted all of this so gracefully and grown-up like. Lauren knew where she was tonight and she had wanted to hear all about their dates, but she hadn’t expressed interest in meeting him just yet.

The evening had turned even colder, so they stood up and headed to Jake’s car.  A blue 1979 Ford Mustang that he took meticulous care of, and called his baby. They didn’t say very much on the drive to her house.  She stared out the window at the houses they passed, hoping for a brief glimpse into other people’s lives. She wondered what kind of messed up lives these people had, or did they live normal happy lives, free of any kind of mental illness.  She hoped the latter was true, as she wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

Jake pulled into her driveway, and leaned over to kiss her, which was a good sign, but she saw the curtain twitch upstairs and knew that Lauren was peeking out her bedroom window.  She gently pushed Jake away and told him she needed to get inside with her daughter, but she’d hoped he would think about what she said and let her know if he was still interested.

“I really think I need to do some research on this. I’m not saying I don’t want to see you, but I need some time to process this, is that okay?” he said.

“Sure, I understand.”  She replied, thinking she would probably never see him again.  She expected it every time she met someone new.  If she expected it, then it hurt a little bit less when it happened or so she thought. She’d had her hopes dashed too many times not to expect it at this point.

When she opened the door to step outside he said, “Can’t you take some kind of medication to keep this from happening?”

She sat back down and pulled the door closed again and said, “I could, and I have, but I stopped my medication when I was pregnant with Lauren. I know that was a long time ago, and I could take them again, but they made me a zombie and that made it difficult to be a mother.  I’d much rather have Olivia and Shannon taking care of her than no one.”

He took her hand. “I know I’ve never asked you this, but where is Lauren’s father?”

“No longer in the picture, and that’s all I’m sharing for now. If you decide you want to stick around, then I’ll share my story with you,”  Gia replied.

Jake shook his head, leaned over to kiss her, and then thought better of it. Dejected, she let herself out of the car and walked slowly up to the house.

She let herself in and their cat, Moon, wound his way through her legs, almost tripping her as she took her shoes off. She climbed the stairs to the bedrooms as if weights were attached to her ankles. It was like this every time she shared this kind of information. Even though Jake said he wasn’t leaving her, she felt rejected.  She figured it was only a matter of time before he broke up with her.

She knew Lauren was waiting, even though the lights were off now and she was pretending to be asleep. “I know you’re awake Lauren, I saw you peeking out your bedroom window.”

She heard Lauren giggle from under the covers, and continued. “You know, if you want to spy on someone you need to do it with the lights out.” Gia said reaching under the covers to tickle her.

Lauren laughed, all the while squirming to get away. Gia loved it when Lauren laughed like that.  All too often Lauren behaved like an adult.  Gia wanted her to giggle and laugh like little girls were supposed to and she savored the sound of it.

“Did you tell him?” she asked expectantly, as Gia sat on the edge of her bed and brushed her hair back from her face.

“Yes,” Gia replied. Moon jumped onto the bed and made his way to Lauren’s lap. Gia scratched behind his ears as Lauren pulled him closer.

“How did he take it?” Lauren asked.

Gia could hear the concern in Lauren’s voice. She’d had to say goodbye to too many people in her young life when they couldn’t handle the situation, which was the reason why she didn’t want to meet Jake yet.

“As well as could be expected, I guess. He needs time to think about it. He’ll probably have to meet Olivia and Shannon so he can see that they’re normal people. Well, as normal as we can be under the circumstances, but you should be asleep now, it’s late and you have school tomorrow,” Gia said.

“It’s only 9:00, can I read for a bit?” she asked.

“Thirty minutes, then lights out, okay?” Gia responded.

“Okay.  I love you mom, and I love Shannon and Olivia too. You know that don’t you?” Lauren asked.

Gia hugged her tight, “Yes, I do, I’m a lucky woman,  and I love you to the moon and back,” Gia replied, thanking her lucky stars, like she did every night, for a daughter like Lauren.